We’ll Raise Them For You Wholesale

It happens fast. Faster than when you change your address or get married. Probably because most people wait 12 weeks to announce, leaving only 6 months to get contracts signed. Ryan found this out the day after he and his wife posted their announcement. His inbox had filled up with offers faster than he could delete them. Seeing how hopeless it was, he decided to see what a few of them had to say

To: RLeblanc@inmail.com

RE: Pay for diapers without having to leave the house!

Mr. Leblanc

Congratulations on your first child! We’re sure you’re feeling overwhelmed right now with upcoming expenses. The clothes, the hospital bills, and especially the diapers! Did you know that diapers can cost you upwards of $3,600 per year! That’s a huge cost to new parents. We at the Michigan branch of the Pavlov Institute of Psychology want to help you with those cost, as well as allow your child to be part of one of the most important studies in human behavior of our time.

Your participation will take minimal time, and you will be given all the equipment you need. All we ask is, for a set period of time that will be discussed, you allow your child to taste chocolate once a day. Once they have tasted the chocolate, we will have you give your child a harmless shock from a device similar to a joy buzzer. These sessions will be recorded and automatically uploaded to our researchers. This will allow us to test your child’s ability to be conditioned, allowing us to better understand the malleability of the young human mind. For this, you will receive a monthly stipend to cover the cost of your child’s diapers as long as they are involved in the study.

Act today, as we have a limited number of spots!

Ryan wondered if everyone knew someone who had sold their kid to one institute or another. It wasn’t something fully socially acceptable, always on the verge of becoming outlawed, but somehow always kept out of reach of the courts. You’d always see that one kid at any given birthday party who had a horrified expression on his face when they brought out the cake. Ryan had a cousin he didn’t see anymore that would have a near epileptic fit if he heard Mary Had a Little Lamb. There’s was probably at least one in every family.

To: RLeblanc@inmail.com

RE: Free Child Care For Up To Three Years!

Mr. Leblanc

We know that you have a lot on your mind right now, and we’re sure one of those things is how you’re going to afford childcare while you and your spouse work. More and more, families are becoming dependent on unreliable sources of care, or putting pressure on the aging grandparent population in order to make ends meet. The Bowlby Institute of Early Childhood development would like to help.

Open seven days a week, The Bowlby Institute offers top of the line free care for your child, while studying the effects of minimal human contact within the first years of development. While your child is here, they will be fed, clothed, bathed, and stimulated all through our top of the line automated systems while our experts observe the effects of lack of human contact for extended periods of time. These studies are integral to understanding the development of children in a time of automation and latchkey adolescents.

Sign up today, as spaces fill up quickly.

Ryan felt a hand on his shoulder as he closed the email. He turned around to see his wife had come home from work early.

“Hey,” he said, standing and kissing her hello. “Not feeling good?”

She nodded, she had been having a hard time with the last trimester.

“Got sick again at work,” she said, moving to a rocking chair her friend’s mother had given them for the baby shower. “I thought it would pass, but I’m useless on the sales floor if I look like I’m about to puke.”

She closed her eyes and started rocking slowly. She was due in five weeks and felt like the sooner it came the better.

“You have enough earn time left to take when the baby comes?” Ryan asked.

His wife shrugged to signify her usual feelings of ‘Even if I don’t, what can you do?’ and continued rocking. Ryan watched her a moment and went back to sorting through his email.

To: RLeblanc@inmail.com

RE: Send your child to college for free

Mr. Leblanc

Every year it seems the price of college increases, and every year the job market in America makes it clearer that a college education is needed. With your new child on the way, we at the Tabula Rasa Institute are sure that you’ve looked into several savings plans with little to no success. We would like to offer you a way out.

We are attempting to understand the very beginnings of development in the human mind. We seek to understand what parts of development are inherent in all humans and what we learn through our environment. In order to do this, we need newborn children to undergo an experiment that will encompass the first three years of their life.

Within the three year period, your child will be given the best of care. All immunizations, nutritional needs, and medical concerns will be taken care of by our expert team and your child will be closely monitored for abnormalities. They will also be placed in a sensory deprivation room for the duration of their stay. They will be fed intravenously, kept in the best of health, but denied sensation through their stay. After the initial period, they will be rehabilitated by our childcare experts. Through this process, we will see what functions your child retrieves naturally and which were stunted due to their isolation. Full rehabilitation is guaranteed, and a voucher for a four year undergraduate program of your choice will be paid for when your child comes of age.

While these may seem like extreme measures, the research is important to help fully understand the way we as humans develop, and the guarantee that you can afford the higher education of your child’s choosing means you are helping them secure their future. Spaces are limited! Apply today!   

Ryan doubted spaces were limited. At least he greatly hoped they weren’t. His feeling of nausea reminded him that he should check on his wife and he closed his browser.

“Feeling any better?” he asked, kneeling down besides the rocking chair and putting his hand on her stomach to feel the shape.

“Not much,” she said, smiling with a sardonic look on her face. Ryan let her put her head back as he waited to see if he could feel a kick from the baby. He imagined what it must be like to be born. To go from total darkness and thrust into a world with nothing but sensation. He wondered if you took a baby straight from the womb and put them in a dark room with no sound they might be grateful.

Not that he was considering that for his kid…

and he was only vaguely considering the joy buzzer.

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